I Couldn't Sleep
I Accepted the Facts. I Never Created a Future.
This post contains raw descriptions of rage over childhood abuse and abandonment, repeated “why me” questioning, and the brutal admission that I only did half the work after Landmark Forum. It talks about dropping old stories but never building a new life or letting people in.
I couldn’t sleep, again. My mind dragged me back to the facts I accepted years ago… but never built a new future on top of. If you’ve faced your childhood abuse but still feel stuck creating a different life, this is for you.
Last night I couldn’t sleep again. My mind dragged me straight back to my twenties.
I had a baby boy by then. Every time I looked at his tiny face I couldn’t imagine ever hurting him.
We’re programmed from a young age to believe everything happens for a reason. Church shoves that shit down your throat every Sunday.
With everything I had gone through I kept asking the same fucking question: Why me? What did I do to deserve what was done to me? It was pure resentment at the world for dealing me a shit hand. In my eyes it wasn’t fair. I couldn’t see what I’d done to deserve any of it. Was it because I did something horrible in a past life? Do we even have past lives? Do we really pay for our parents sins? What the fuck is the reason?
A friend recommended the Landmark Forum. He didn’t say it would fix me. He said it might help if I kept an open mind. It didn’t fix me. It slapped me with the brutal truth.
Our brains love to invent stories to protect us. But those stories fuck us up more than the truth ever could. The hardest thing is to face only the facts, drop the stories, and stay conscious enough not to make new ones.
For me the facts were simple and ugly. My mother left me behind. I got abused. That’s it. No reason. No hidden meaning. No cosmic justice. No past karma. Just fucked up shit that happened. Nothing more, nothing less.
Once I separated the facts from my story and accepted what is, is, I stopped wasting my fucking energy arguing with reality. That acceptance freed me.
I found forgiveness for myself, not for them. The anger had only eaten me alive. I had to forgive them for me.
Last night I realized I never followed through on the rest of what the Forum taught me.
After accepting the facts and dropping the old story I was supposed to create possibility. I was supposed to stop living from the past and invent a new future from nothing. I was supposed to declare a new way of being and start acting from it.
I didn’t do any of that.
I stayed in the same safe bubble. I had a baby with learning problems and I was running a business. I used my responsibilities as an excuse. There was little time to meet people and I had no intention of bringing any man around my son. Staying safe was easier than risking getting hurt again.
I never created any new possibilities.
—Syn
If this hit you in the gut, if you survived hell as a kid and built a life that looks okay on the outside but still feels like you’re carrying the same shit, you’re in the right fucking place.
What’s one “safe bubble” you’ve stayed in because stepping out and creating something new feels too scary or risky?
I’m in the middle of this one too.
Share yours below or message me.
I read every single one.
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